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This movie sucked. It was terrible. I'm not even going to waste my time and yours explaining why it sucked. Just know that it did. If you get an opportunity to watch it for free on cable TV, then sit down, turn on the television, and watch something else. Because it sucked. Probably one of the worst movies I've seen in years. You have been warned...

Superbad

Superbad = Superawesome!

Watch this movie at the theater!

Sweeny Todd

Not a movie review, but a kick-ass poster for the upcoming Tim Burton-directed movie-musical Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

Transformers

Caught this movie out at Cape Cod, and was mildly surprised. Although it ran a little too long for my taste (the flick is about 2 1/2 hours), it was a surprisingly entertaining movie, thanks in no small part to Shai LaBeouf.

The plot is simple: Transformers destroyed their world in a civil war. Bad transformers come to earth. Good transformers come to stop them. CGI ensues...

The special effects were good - too good. More often than not, the fight scenes were shot too close. We got great shots of gears and other transforming movements, but I wanted the camera to pull back a little bit (and in some cases, a lotta bit) so I could actually see the fight and put it in context.

My other gripe is the names of the Transformers. I realize that this is because of the source material, and not the movie, but come on! The bad Transformers get cool names like Bonecrusher, Starscream, Frenzy, and Devastator. The good Transformers get bullshit pussy names like Jazz, Ratchet, and - I kid you not - Bumblebee. Devastator vs. Bumblebee. Who would YOU put your money on in a fight?

For me, this movie succeeds due to the stellar work of Shai. In everything in which I've seen him (Holes, Disturbia, etc.), he brings a likability, believability, and sense of humor to the roles. He can play both cool and geeky with ease. And I cannot wait to see him as Indiana Jones's son in the upcoming Indy 4 movie. There is absolutely an Indiana Jones / Han Solo quality about his acting.

So, as far as Transformers goes, it was a fun way to spend a rainy day. A relatively forgettable movie, but fun while it lasted!

Pan's Labyrinth

Alright, it's been since February since I saw this, and I'm just now getting around to updating my blog, so I'll keep it short and sweet. Rent Pan's Labyrinth. Very good movie. But don't expect it to be the fairy tale story the trailer predicts....

Snakes On A Plane

Last night I rented "Snakes On A Plane." This film got SO much internet play, and word of mouth spread so voraciously online, that my interest was peaked. I became even more interested when word came out that the director shot additional footage to get an R rating, rather than PG-13.

Plus, Samuel L. Jackson fighting snakes! On a plane!! How bad could it be?

Answer: Pretty bad.

This movie was too bad to be good, and not bad enough to be entertaining. With so many varieties of snakes in this world, I hoped that there would be a greater cross-section of snakes in the film. With one notable exception of a guy getting squished and swallowed by a boa constrictor, every one else was bitten. Lots of snakes, lots of bites - including bites on every imaginable part of the body (Yes. Even THERE.) - but it wasn't enough to make up for a very sub-average movie.

I won't even get into the gaping plot holes and the sudden, dramatic-less ending.

Basically, watch this movie when it airs during late-night TV on the USA Network. Until then, there are many other films to rent. Don't bother with this one.

The Nativity Story

Hey all. You may remember awhile back I reposted a hilarious review of Basic Instinct 2, written by a guy who goes by the name "Massawyrm" on one of my favorite websites: www.aintitcool.com. Aintitcool.com most recently got mentioned in the last episode of Studio 60!

Anyway, Massawyrm posted a great review of The Navitity Story on the aintitcool website, and has graciously given me permission to repost it here. You know that any review of The Nativity Story that compares it to both Terminator and Ewoks: The Battle For Endor is going to be funny.

So, without further ado, here's Massawyrm:

Hola all. Massawyrm here.

You know, leave it to Hollywood to capitalize upon the success of a really great movie. But despite the obvious potential for a sequel (I mean, come ON! The end of the first film even showed him coming back. They were totally trying to set up a sequel) Hollywood opted to make a prequel to Passion of the Christ. I guess with the sheer amount of deserving deaths awaiting the Jews from the first film, Gibson’s probably got the rights to that story locked down pretty tight. So a prequel it is.

This time around Jesus is being pursued by the ancient world version of a Bond villain, simply named Herod, who, knowing of Jesus’s amazingly bad assed ability to take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’ (I mean, really, he’s like Roman era John McClane) that he’s gonna try to kill him before he’s even born. So he sends out an army of Roman soldiers to try and find the unwed mother pregnant with the savior of humanity.

I know, I know, I know. I know what you’re thinking. I liked this story a lot better when it was called The Terminator. I guess someone at New Line thought that it would be better with Roman soldiers instead of killer robots. Which is exactly why James Cameron is a genius. Everything is better with killer robots. Especially the story of Jesus.

But don’t think they removed all of the science fiction elements, because for some reason Dr. Bashir from Deep Space 9 keeps beaming down into people’s dreams to boss them around. You’re going to have a son and you’re going to name him Jesus. No shit. I hope she names him Jesus, because that’s kind of who the movie is about. Which is kind of sad when you think about it, because Jesus doesn’t even show up until the end, and even then, you only get to see him as a baby. I guess Caviezel wasn’t available. Sometimes you have to write around that kind of thing.

Then there’s this weird plot about this ambiguously gay trio of wise asses who notice that three stars are going to conjoin and when they do the single greatest badass in cinema history will be born. So they spend the whole movie riding camels and cracking jokes just to stop by and say “Oh, hey, look. It’s the single greatest badass in cinema history. In, like, 33 years that guy is totally gonna get the shit beat out of him.” Then they leave presents. One guy leaves gold, another leaves frankincense – then the third guy gives the other guys a look like “What the fuck? We said nothing over $20. Now I look like a total asshole. All I brought was myrrh.”

Okay. I’ve got to give it to New Line. I mean, I really see where they were going with this. Someone was thinking Hey, if Passion of the Christ could make $600 Mil with an “R” rating, imagine the amount of money we could make with a “PG” rated film! Just think of it! A family rated Christian Film! Um, yeah. As a life long Christian, I’ve got some news for you. Christians? We make pretty shitty movies on the whole, especially when we try to make movies for other Christians. If you have any doubts about that, I highly recommend you spend a day or two watching the Fox Family channel. Not that I’d actually recommend that, but it would certainly prove my point. The Christians that are good enough to slip through the cracks seem to be few and far between – kinda like white guys in the NBA.

But, for a moment, let’s examine The Nativity Story as if there had never been a film made with the word “Passion” nor the word “Christ” in the title. As a family film, as a Christian film and as a story of the birth of Jesus, this film isn’t half bad. In fact, compared to other Christian films, it’s pretty damn good and ultimately watchable. There are a few odd choices that some folks might not care for – like the three wise men being played for laughs (I’m not kidding) - but all in all, it certainly isn’t painful or preachy.

All of the actors do fine jobs, especially Ciaran Hinds (Miami Vice, Munich, Sum of all Fears) as Herod who really does an excellent job bringing him to life and Alexander Siddig (Syriana, Deep Space 9) does a really good job with some pretty bland dialog taken straight out of the Bible – managing to breath emotion into some very stiff material.

However, there WAS a film called Passion of the Christ. And it completely raised the bar on this kind of film. Gibson took a lot of risks and made a film that transcended religion and proved to be a religious film that even non-believers could enjoy and be affected by. By presenting the film in its original languages (despite the use of Church Latin, rather than the original pronunciation) and with such raw, unfettered brutality in the torture sequences, Passion had this feeling of authenticity, as if you were there at the actual crucifixion.

And despite having heard the story every Palm Sunday once a year for every year of their life, and despite being able to recite the tortures in order, verbatim – Christians saw the death of Christ in a way they never imagined it. And through the violence and suffering, Christ’s ultimate message of love despite all things shone through loud and clear. For many it was an epiphany, an understanding of exactly how far Christ went to make his point about loving your enemies no matter what. And despite the “R” rating - despite the violence that many Christians vocally take issue with in other films – the film brought tears to the eyes of many and became the gold standard of Christian filmmaking. And it even managed to touch many non-believers, especially those whose only exposure to the teachings of Christ are through the boneheads that picket Wal-Mart every year for their use of the phrase “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”

But this film ain’t Passion of the Christ. It ain’t even close. By whitewashing several of the elements of the Nativity and by flinching when it should go all the way, the story of the birth of Christ (which if you’re not completely familiar with it, isn’t exactly the sweetest of stories) doesn’t seem the slightest bit profound or enlightening. The film spends enough time setting up Herod’s order to kill all of the male children in Bethlehem under the age of two, but then drops it and pulls its punches when it needs it most. Mary and Joseph get a few wayward glances over the whole “unmarried pregnancy” thing, but it gets a pass with an offhand joke. And the manger is a surprisingly clean little cave that just happens to have animals in it. Even the hardship of the journey seems a bit toned down.

And having seen a film in its original historical language, watching another from the same time period performed in English seems to remove all authenticity. Remember how in Ewoks: The Battle for Endor all the ewoks suddenly spoke English rather than their original dialect of Yub Nubs? Remember how wrong and disconcerting that was? It’s kinda like that. It just doesn’t feel right.

This feels in every way like a “YOU’VE READ THE BOOK, NOW SEE THE MOVIE!” kind of film. It’s not going to make you look at the Nativity story in a new light, it won’t cause you to re-examine or strengthen your faith. And to anyone not of the faith, it’s probably gonna bore you to tears.

But it is family-friendly. And I can definitely see this as a great tool for sharing the story of the birth of Christ with children on Christmas Eve if you are one of those “He’s the reason for the season” folks. But there’s absolutely no reason at all to see this if you’re not Christian. It just doesn’t have anything special to offer.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

Dan again. Jesus, that was funny. Get it? Jesus?

Nevermind.

An Inconvenient Truth

I rented this Al Gore global warming documentary last night, and found it disturbingly informative. I'd heard some great things about the documentary and, after watching it, was curious about what critics who didn't like the film said.

So I went online to the old stand-by: rottentomatoes.com. On Rotten Tomatoes, there are 126 positive reviews for "Truth" and 10 bad reviews. I wondered about the political leanings of the critics who didn't like this film.

First, let me point out that, with the notable exceptions of The New York Post, the remaining nine negative reviews all come from such stalwart media juggernauts that include Metromix.com, The Movieboy.com, Internet Reviews, Film Threat, 7M Pictures, and TonyMedley.com.

And, while I haven't read all the bad reviews, I've perused a few, and came up with some really wonderful chestnuts of idiotic logic that clearly show that these people hate the messenger, as well as the message. This one is my favorite:

"Moreover, it isn't clear that slightly warmer temperatures are bad. Some studies have suggested that it would produce a longer growing season, thus being a net plus for the planet. Of course, none of these opposing theories are presented in Al Gore's documentary, other than the times he ridicules those who disagree with him with a mocking tone, suggesting that they must be idiots." Steve Rhodes, Internet Reviews.

Yeah, that's right. Global warming is GOOD for the planet!! How could Al Gore have NOT mentioned this "opposing theory"? Gee, Steve, maybe because it's RETARDED??

Other negative reviewers focus on the claims that humans are causing global warming:

"Global warming is one of the left's pet projects. Consistent therewith the film complains that the United States is one of the two advanced countries who have not signed on to the Kyoto Protocol, another of the left's more boring refrains." Tony Medley, tonymedley.com

Gee, I wonder who Tony voted for?

You see, An Inconvenient Truth isn't about who is causing global warming. It's about the fact that our country, once the leader in innovation, is doing nothing about it. Hell, even China has stronger emissions restrictions on its vehicles that the USA.

People are so quick in this country to lay blame that they don't bother trying to fix the problem. It's all about "Whose fault is it?", rather than "How can we fix it?"

This movie tries to get the leaders of the world to even ASK the last question.

In light of recent disclosures, THIS is funny...

Mission Impossible III

In a word: Meh.